To those who feel lost, discouraged, confused and beyond I write to you...
Was there ever a moment in your life that you lost faith or lost hope? Like God had left you or you just did not understand why he would allow something to take place in your life?
It took the most traumatic experience of my life for me to realize God needed me to have a seat and realize that I was not in control and that the path I was on did not include him whatsoever. Although I felt like I was doing things right, working out every day going to work every day and even working an extra job on the weekends, I rarely had time for God. Yes, I went to Church on Sundays and was even teaching Teens Sunday School when I was able and not too tired from working the night before, but I still wanted to control everything I did and remain as busy as possible unknowingly avoiding the things in my life that he wanted me to deal with. In September of 2018 I attempted to break up a dog fight and got bitten on my foot and had to be rushed to the hospital. My foot immediately caught an infection and I found myself undergoing two surgeries and being in the hospital for five days. I had never broken any bones before or been to the hospital for anything pertaining to myself so you can only imagine how traumatizing and scary this was. I felt helpless not knowing how I would recover from this injury and also knowing I would not be able to work let alone walk for a while, focusing on all of the wrong things of course. I found myself crying on and off all day feeling guilty and asking God why he would let this happen to me and why it had to come from something I loved so much, dogs.
After being released from the hospital I had to remain on IV antibiotics that I administered to myself every six hours to ensure the infection would not return. I immediately became depressed, discouraged, hopeless and lost most, if not all, of my faith. Through this time of being home my mother constantly reminded me of God’s love and that this too will pass. She would not let me remain defeated. I watched constant sermon after sermon from Pastor Michael Todd of Transformation Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma to remain encouraged and remind myself that God would never leave me and that this was not a punishment. I also realized in this time of being alone that I did not like much of what I was doing or much of myself seeing as I could not stand being alone in my head with my thoughts. This time helped me realize the changes I needed to make in my life and things I needed to complete that I had been avoiding.
I tell my story to you to hopefully remind you that sometimes we need these experiences in life, however they come, to wake you up and to bring you closer to our Father. Although I was uncomfortable and hurt, I had never felt closer to God after I weathered this storm. My life changed so much in terms of losing a job that I had wanted to leave for months as well as re-enrolling in school to finish what was long overdue. All the plans that I had made for myself were taken away abruptly and all I had left was God. Sometimes he will force you to be alone just to bring you closer to him. Sometimes he will allow things to interrupt what you thought you had planned to show you who is really in control.
I can’t tell you that I know exactly where my life is headed and I can’t even tell you that I have a plan for what’s to come, but what I can tell you is that learning to let go and let God is real. Despite being unsure or uncomfortable at times, I am at peace now more than I have ever been in my life. Not knowing what is to come but trusting God knowing that he has me and has a plan for my life.
Let go of the need of knowing and trying to figure it all out and let God do the rest.